Sunday, December 25, 2005

Pet Rat Care: The Top 10 Mistakes Of New Rat Owners

Pet Rat Care: The Top 10 Mistakes Of New Rat Owners

Being a dedicated rat owner can be very rewarding. All it takes is a little research and a lot of preparation.
If you're getting ready to adopt a rat as a cherished pet, there are some pitfalls that you should be aware of beforehand. Here are 10 of the most common pet rat care mistakes that first-time rattie owners make:
1. Getting only one rat.
A person might think that getting two rats is too much extra work... or that a pet rat will bond with a human owner more readily if there is no other rat around to become friends with. The truth is that rats are highly social creatures. They need to have other rat-friends to play with and to "talk" to. Furthermore, taking care of two rats is not much more work than caring for one.
2. Getting the wrong kind of bedding.
Sometimes a rat owner will want to cut corners and use newspaper or cheap bedding. Rats are very sensitive to the chemicals in the ink and cheap bedding can often have dusty particles that will irritate their lungs. If you see a red discharge coming from their noses, chances are, there is an irritant present in the air. Pine wood chips are not safe!
3. Feeding the rats an imbalanced diet.
No, it's not cute how your furry friends can eat almost as much pizza as you. Caring for pet rats means feeding them healthy food. Look, there's no excuse. Fruits and veggies are not expensive items to buy; also, be sure they get their share of lab blocks, seeds, and a daily dab of a vitamin supplement.
4. Not cleaning the cage often or thoroughly enough.
Their urine will decompose and produce ammonia. This, along with the decomposing bedding can irritate their lungs. Yes, it's a pain to do. But putting up with the unpleasant aspects will only help you to appreciate them more. Clean and disinfect with bleach-water once a week, or up to two weeks, maximum.
5. Not taking them out to play often enough.
Rats will eventually get depressed if they remain cooped up inside their limited cage environment. If you make play time fun and challenging, you will be looking forward to the bonding time as well!
6. Deciding to breed for the wrong reasons.
Breeding responsibly is not a lucrative or easy hobby to get into, especially at the beginning. Don't get stuck with a litter of rats that wind up becoming snake-food at a pet store. Instead, try investing some time volunteering for or starting an apprenticeship with a breeder.
7. Not giving them enough toys.
If you bore your rats, they will become boring. Rats not only love to play, explore and solve problems, but they actually need to be constantly stimulated by a challenging learning environment. Provide them with a variety of toys and games and switch things around constantly. They'll love you for it!
8. Entering them into a fancy rat show before researching it.
You may love your rats and think they are just the most perfect rats you have ever seen, but the American Fancy Rat and Mouse Association (AFRMA) has very strict standards and those judges have seen hundreds--if not thousands--of rats in their day. Before deciding to enter your rats into a show, visit one first. Interview a handful of judges and learn exactly what makes a rat top in its class. Then decide.
9. Procrastinating on researching a qualified vet for small animals.
The moment one of your rats becomes ill, you will want to have the phone number of a good vet handy. Not all vets will treat small animals or rats. Do the searching beforehand and spare yourself the frustration and desperation an emergency situation can sometimes bring about.
10. Underestimating the importance of belonging to a rat club or rat society.
Belonging to a rat club or rat society such as AFRMA will go a long way in getting your key rat questions answered. Moreover, doing so will connect you with a community of rat lovers who are likely to want to share what they know for the sake of advancing the hobby as a whole.

Pampering Your Dog

Pampering Your Dog

When people think of spoiled pooches, they often conjure up images of highly coiffed dogs with fur jackets and diamond studded collars. And while this may be a way of spoiling man’s best friend, it can be expensive and a little over the top for most dog owners. So how does one go about spoiling their pet? Well, there is nothing better than pampering your dog in ways that encourages overall well being.
All Over Massage
Dogs, like humans, feel stiffness and tension in their joints and muscles. This is particularly true of older dogs or for dogs that have gone through a traumatic experience (such as an injury, illness or prolonged separation for their masters). One great way to alleviate their discomfort is to give your dog a massage. But this suggestion isn’t exclusively for older or injured dogs – young dogs and puppies can greatly benefit from the relaxation and bonding that is accomplished through gentle massage
Top dog masseuses agree that the best way to give your dog a massage is when she is totally relaxed. Lay your dog on her side and stroke her until she is relaxed. Next, apply gentle pressure working from the head down to the tail and then focus on each leg. The first few times you massage your dog she may get antsy or try to squirm away from you. That’s o.k. because with repeat sessions, she will get used to this new sensation. If you know of any areas on your dog’s body that is giving her trouble, gently squeeze and then release the area – this will relieve pain and ease tension. If you have any worries, always consult your vet.
Massage is a wonderful way to get in some quality time with your dog. It is relaxing for both of you and makes your bond grow even stronger.
Head and Neck Massage
Don’t have time to give your dog an all over massage? If so, just focus on his head and neck. Begin by rubbing the bony protrudence (also known as the nuchal crest – a bone that seems to have no purpose other than a starting place for a head massage) and work down the back of the head to the neck. When you get to the collar area, begin to rub and then scratch the area under the collar. After this, your dog will be putty in your hands!
Paw Care
Imagine what your feet would be like if you ran around all day every day outside and in with bare feet. Not only would they be rough and filthy, they would also be vulnerable to scratches and scrapes as well. Welcome to a dog’s world. Yes, dogs have been roaming the earth for thousands of years with unprotected paws; however, they have only recently been introduced to concrete, toxic chemical residue, hot asphalt, road salt, etc. And because of these caustic elements, many dogs suffer from paw discomfort in the form of cracked pads and dry skin. The solution: a mixture of equal parts lanolin and petroleum jelly. Rubbing this into your pet’s paws will not only moisturize dry skin, it also acts as a barrier cream that can be used in the winter months to protect your dog from street salt. If the paws are cracked, mix in a teaspoon of hydrogen peroxide. This will help heal the cracks and prevent infection. Both mixtures are 100% safe if consumed.

Dog Grooming and Skin Care

Dog Grooming and Skin Care

Who likes a stinky dog? Not many. And when your dog is less than spring fresh, your attitude towards him may change. Although this may be as little a thing as turning your face away when he jumps on you; however, your dog can read into this behavior and translate it into a sign of rejection. Like it or not, all dogs have to be groomed. And despite what you might think, even shorthaired dogs need a good brushing now and again.
But groomers can be quite expensive and may cause your dog undo stress. So you don your raincoat and lure your dog into the tub. Your next hurdle: what shampoo do you use? Some dog owners use people shampoo under the assumption that if it’s fine for them, it will be o.k. for Spot. This is not the case. In fact, many commercial shampoos meant for dogs are actually too harsh for their skin and may cause irritation and/or dryness. Buying all natural shampoo may be the ticket but again, it is expensive. So what is one to do? Make your own and give your dog a salon grooming in the comfort of your own house at a fraction of the cost.
Herbal Shampoo
You can make an excellent doggie shampoo from things that you probably already have around the house. A mixture of Aloe Vera gel and water work well. It is very mild on dog’s skin and leaves their coat quite shiny. Slightly dilute a handful of Aloe Vera gel with water and work the mixture into your dog’s coat (it is best to apply this to a dry coat). Rinse with warm water. If you prefer to have a foaming shampoo, add a touch of baby shampoo to the mixture and use accordingly.
Cost: under $5
All-natural Rinse
If you use a store-bought shampoo, follow it with this all-natural rinse. It will restore the ph balance of your dog’s skin and will help remove any excess shampoo. Mix one teaspoon of apple cider vinegar with one pint of warm water and work into your dog’s coat. Follow with warm water if desired.
Cost: under $5
Perfume
Let’s face it; washing a dog does take time. If you don’t have the time, the energy or any protective rain garments handy, you can always use a bit of scent in a pinch. A spray will rest on top of the dog’s coat and will not harm the skin. This means that you can go to the local drugstore and pick up a moisturizing body spray that is to your liking and use it for your dog’s toilette. Make sure you spray away from the dog’s face and in a spot that she can’t lick.
If you want to use an application that is sure not to irritate your pal’s skin, go to the health food store and pick up one of the following essential oils: rose, lavender, geranium, sandalwood or sweet almond. A tiny bit rubbed into the skin along the spine will last longer than a body spray (it will become more fragrant with body heat, so make sure you like the scent!) and will not cause any irritation at all.

Field Notes on Country Linguistics

Field Notes on Country Linguistics

As Suzy stammered, my ears perked up. For distraction I called out, “Hey Kathy, put on another pot of coffee.” Suzy spoke again. The fact is, gouging my own eyes out with a ketchup bottle would not have distracted me. A linguistic calamity was eminent.
The hair on the back of my neck stood up, then it ran from the room. I knew where Suzy was headed. Her speech was like watching a car accident. It all moved in slow motion. Every instinct in me said tear the phone from her hand before it's too late. But she had to learn to properly communicate with customers. Please Lord, I begged, don't let her say it. Then it happened. Suzy uttered the words, “We'll mam, I ain't fer sures on that.”
Across America, English professors collectively wept. My mind locked. How could she have said it again? She had been with our company four months. Still, there was hope. Okay, Lord, you're pretty funny, I sneered. Seriously, could her next words please be, “If you would not mind holding for one moment, I will find out the answer for you.” Ha! No such luck.
The gods hate me. After an awkward silence (while the caller and I shared an embolism), Suzy proceeded to take the customer’s order. Neither of them was any wiser for the experience. I stepped outside to meditate. Would I have to fire her? I was not fer sures on that?
You hear many endearing phrases in the county. I find, ‘a doins’ quite charming. Such as there's a doins at Bubba's tonight. Translated this means, festivities will take place at Bubba’s residence this evening.
‘Pert near’ is fun. Linguists translate this colorful twist on grammar as meaning, ‘almost’ not nearby. As in, pert near everybody ceptin that cidiot been told bout the rodeo. Meaning, almost everyone, except the new city idiot, was informed of the upcoming rodeo event.
Unfortunately, telling a high maintenance Dressage Equestrian (they are all high-maintenance), “Ya aint's fer sures on that,” translates as, “Hello, we are illiterate, so buy our product.” Following this with no offer to expand your knowledge and assist the customers says, “We may be illiterate, but that's ok. We also suck. Thank you and have a nice day.”
Tourists passing through this area have improperly translated another phrase. “What chya doin?” is often misinterpreted as the rhetorical “What's up?” or “What's happening?” Sadly, that is not its meaning. “What chya doin?” literally translates as, “What are you doing?" Confusion on this matter is based on timing.
“What chya doing?” is often asked when your activity could not be more blatantly obvious. For example: You're spreading cheese over flat dough topped with tomato sauce. Mountains of pepperoni are poised nearby. A stranger asks, “What chya doin?" Heads up: They literally have not connected the dots. Do not wisecrack, “Installing solar panels." Before you know it, you'll be explaining how green peppers affect your hot water supply.
Here in South Dakota low wages have brought in large numbers of Customer Service call centers. Airlines, finance companies, catalog sales, these types of companies coagulate around Rapid City. Lately there has been a lot of concern over competition from India. Apparently the population of India is highly educated and enunciates in a manner more understandable than that of South Dakotans. Americans, not having Hindi as the mother tongue, stand little chance. Still, there is a certain irony in residents of the Black Hills losing something to Indians. How many groups will that statement offend? I ain't fer sures on that.

Land of the Rising Gas

Land of the Rising Gas

Few people stop to think much about it when they fart. Unless it happens on a crowded elevator,then everyone thinks about it.
You may not have pondered the fact that there are over 400 different kinds of gas in one human fart, and Japanese of course are no exception. Japanese routinely let them rip to the tune of 80 million litres of fart gas every day of the year. I haven`t even included hot air bags like Tokyo Governor Ishihara either! If all the people in the world could be synchronized via the internet to buff on cue, they would emit 4.2 billion litres of butt gas, and that would fill 3.5 Tokyo Domes. Not a pretty picture I know. Just think of the Dome`s maintenance staff!
I have often thought that my friend Doug`s expellations were particularly putrid, but no! According to research, Japanese young women expel especially smelly ones these days due to constipation. Half of the young women of Japan are afflicted. Doctors point to dieting as the culprit in this case. Dieting leads to a loss of muscle tissue in general, and loose stomach muscles in particular, which in turn leads to constipation, and farts that would make even Doug blush!
Help you gasp! I`m dating a Japanese woman, what should I do? Is there anything that can be done, Kev? Unfortunately, I am at a loss and it isn`t only dieting that make some elevators smell like Kawasaki. It is also because the Western diet has found popularity among Japanese palets. Simply put, Japanese are eating more meat.
Indeed, the fast paced lifestyle of Japan leads to increased stress, and worsens one`s intestinal condition. Perhaps because of this busy lifestyle, people don`t have as much time to exercise. Without regular exercise, we aren`t regular, and our bowels don`t move smoothly (extend and shrink well--as one Tokyo doctor, a proctologist I presume, was quoted as saying).
One shocking part of the study revealed that if you try to prevent a fart, it will actually get you in more trouble and could affect your love life! If you refuse to fluff one (as my Uncle Stan used to say), then the gas is absorbed into your blood and travels to your lungs. Then it comes out of your mouth, smelling just as terrible. Let one rip before you exchange lips with your special someone I like to say. It is a shame when couples break up over mouth farts. It wasn`t that garlic your partner ate the night before.
This problem isn`t purely a Japanese one of course, it also takes place in space. After a fatal accident involving Apollo 1, NASA was forced to re-evaluate their safety measures. The accident involved gas and some at NASA suggested that even one fart might have caused the calamity. They started their analysis at that point. Finding that farts contain methane, they proved that farts can burn. Herman, my boy scout buddy regularly proved that on camp outs, but that`s another story.
NASA analysed many farts and found that some do not include methane. It depended on what the farter had eaten. Eating carbohydrates tends to produce a methane based fart, while eating meat or space food that is meat based, produces an expellation that is methane free or low in methane. This tends to cause the fartee (or recipient of the fart) to do a severe space gag, and possibly knock one of the controls out of whack. This of course could lead to a serious accident.
The drawback to all of these findings was, that low carbohydrate space food doesn`t produce the dreaded methane fart, but does produce a fart like Doug`s. In space, no one can hear you fart! But they can sure as hell smell a fart after some gaseous Neil Armstrong has had his ration of low carb space food. It stinks up the whole lunar module man! No wonder few astronauts ever opted for a second mission and everyone wanted to go for a space walk! Japanese astronaut Mamoru Mouri, who served on the Space Shuttle remarked that when someone farts in space it doesn`t dissipate, "...it becum rump of gasu travelling through space shuttle. Sometime it strike fellow astronaut nose. Honto ni kusai!" (It smells just terrible,") he related. "It often happen in shuttle, but feeling is mutual," he finalized.
So there you have it, let`s be careful out there; and as my father saw on a Scottish grave stone:
"Aire we be, let wind blow free."

Country Lawn Maintenance - 10 Tips to Know Before You Mow

Country Lawn Maintenance - 10 Tips to Know Before You Mow

Practical survival skills should be fifty percent of what we study in school! Languishing twelve to sixteen years in the bowels of our education system should not leave American citizens unprepared to cope with perpetually running toilets. A burned out taillight should not knock our world off its axis. This chasm of neglected wisdom is not simply filled with the obvious auto and home maintenance issues. All the little stupidities reflect on our society.
Years ago, I was sitting in an I-5 traffic jam with my sister, August. Innocently I remarket, “I hate trying to tune in that radio station while I’m driving.” Without provocation August reached down and yanked the unsuspecting radio button straight out of its place. Metallic skeletal parts were revealed. Grey whales migrating off the coast heard my gasp. Then, get this; she shoved the hapless button back in – all the way! Even if the traffic had been moving, I was in no condition to drive.
This blatant assault on my automotive electronics was uncalled for. Worse was learning at age 28, I was the only person in America uninformed as to how radios were set. My thoughts, if you can call them that, seem silly now. I believed pushing the buttons placed the dial in the vicinity of various stations. Only lucky drivers and folks who listened to Christian music had buttons that coincidently landed on the exact preferred position. This knowledge graced me just before digital. Lord, how I hate tuning in digital.
All society has an obligation to pick up where floundering education systems go astray. Teach children the little things. Change vacuum belts as a family. Award prizes to offspring who can find the level of power steering fluid and above all else, instill in them the skill to read a ballot.
In keeping with a heartfelt desire to better Planet Earth, I’d like to pass along ten things nobody ever told me about lawn mowing, the country way. When I moved to the hinterland I was naive to the tribulations of rural landscaping. My massive country lawn looked innocent enough. Then the escrow closed. The following was learned via trial and error - mostly error.
One: Always carry wire cutters when mowing – While the majority of rusty old wire shot through your leg can be extracted with a few good tugs, a surprisingly large proportion entwine around ankle bones in a manner no physician or physicist can explain. With a handy set of wire cutters excess can be trimmed. Overage tends to snag on the gas pedal when diving to the Emergency Room.
Two: Recycle –Be sure to have the hospital staff return wires once they rinse your Achilles Tendon away. You can reuse it (the wire or the tendon) for fencing projects. No doubt this convenience was the reasoning behind 130 years of country landowners discarding litter in what otherwise would appear to be a careless manner.
Three: Remember the Choke - When the mower keeps coughing and sputtering to a stop, or any other time you want to choke the dam thing, push this lever. It does nothing. To get the sadistic contraption running you’ll need gasoline.
Four: Beware Safety Features – Modern mowers posses a handle lever that shuts mowers down every time the operator looks to the left. This quadruples the number of pull starts needed. The American Academia of Carpal Tunnel Physicians sponsors safety levers. Mowers also come with what is called a Plastic Do-Hickie. A Do-Hickie’s only function is to display a sticker reminding people not to shove their hands or feet inside a running lawn mower. Gardeners only do this to remove grass clogs. Ironically Do-Hickies cause 99.96% of grass clogs.
Five: Stay Hydrated – In the country, heat stoke is as much a right of spring passage as bat guano in the kitchen pantry. The ecstasy of eighty-degree temps after nine months of winter collides head on with an obsessive desire to get every last flippin’ grass blade perfectly level. Before golf course precision is ever achieved, ‘Type A’ mowers will be face down on the carpet. With ice packs strategically perched on major arterial lines, you’ll wonder, “Could the shag rug be trimmed just a tad more evenly?”
Six: Budget – Country folks can purchase their fashionable shit-beat trucks for less than a thousand dollars. This elevates you to the social status of a Ferrari driver in the city. However your lawn mower will cost you three times as much. Tractor mowers are a must out here. The lawns are too massive. Mowing with a push mower during spring would keep property owners circling 24/7. Only idiots and starving authors use push mowers.
Seven: Remember General Maintenance - A Clanking serenade resulting from the first start up of the morning is not unusual. What happened is this: Overnight grass built up underneath your mower. Then, flakes have dried to the point where you could use tin snips to cut it into a disk and burn yourself a springtime fresh CD (Green Day?). To remove the offending mass grab an ice pick and go after the dehydrated flakes like Sharon Stone during mating season.
Eight: Electric Mowers: Don’t - Even if you could lug 300 yards of cord, it’s a spectacularly bad idea. When several dogs and a milk goat play ‘chase’ under the extension, all hell, and the cord, will break loose. Hopefully this will occur prior to overloading the freaky little round country fuses and setting your ancient electrical box ablaze. In a town like mine where there’s an all-volunteer Fire Department, the carnage could be unspeakable.
“Hey, Howard, I see that city gal’s home is ablaze over there. Got any marshmallows?”
“Sure Pap. Ya know I told her she should not buy that Rowski house just a few years after she did.”
The only saving grace is with all the unsoldered plumbing in this oasis of handyman dropouts, the houses themselves won’t burn below the second floor.
Nine: Use the Section Technique – The theory here is you divide your lawn into a section for each member of the household. Everyone contributes. Nobody gets overwhelmed by the workload. For example: assign your teenager to mow section 1 on Tuesdays - then you mow it. You assign your husband to mow section 2 on Wednesdays – then you mow it. Request your every-present brother-in-law mow section 3 on Thursday – and again, you do the work. Everyone takes a turn. Hell, if you have any other males around; people, bulls, aspen trees, give them a section. What do you have to loose?
Ten: Do Not Get Discouraged! - Never let grass win! During spring, folks can get discouraged. They wake up to note their freshly mowed lawn grew back while they slept. Fact is, by mowing barefoot you will feel the new grass poke up as you pass. It’s just the country way.
* Disclaimer: Computer hard drives vary. In the event you insert a lawn clipping diskette into your CD burner and your hard drive fails to function please do not file suit against the manufacturer or the author. We cannot be held accountable for the quality of your grass. Countersuits will request you promptly cease swimming in the gene pool.

Lizard Induced Schoolgirl Screams

Lizard Induced Schoolgirl Screams

Let me just make one thing clear before I proceed. I am generally an animal loving person. If a dog comes to my house and goes number one on the fence, fine no problem.
Squirrels gather near the gate and perform acts sexual in nature, no big deal.
But if there is one thing you do not do...It’s lunging in the general direction of my head from above with the intention to kill.
This is exactly what a lizard attempted yesterday night. Luckily I managed to dive, in slow-mo of course, out of its path just in time. The beast was not able to get a choking grip on my delicate neck and instead just bumped against my shoulder and dropped down on the floor.
After my display of fast reflexes in the form of a cool matrix style dodge I thought it was all over, that I was safe. I thought the lizard would be too impressed, intimidated with my elite skills and would start to fear me. Boy was I wrong. This monster was no ordinary lizard. It was completely out of its mind. A true fighter!
After a rough landing on my kitchen floor the lizard ran towards me rather than away from me! Maybe this was an egotistical lizard and was not prepared to lose its pride. It ran with such a menacing look in its beady eyes and at such a pace it made me think for a millisecond that I may be dealing with something that is much stronger than me.
The feeling of helplessness and panic ran through me. I started scanning the place looking for a weapon, A chair...a spoon, anything!
But all I found around me was the hot and humid summer air.
At this point I knew deep down all was lost. I did what all sane men do when they are up against a ruthless killer. A killer that does now know the meaning of the words “mercy”, “compassion” and “love”, I ran.
I jumped up over the beast and sprinted towards the exit.
I did not dare look over my shoulders as I knew what was following me, death! I ran at full pace towards my bedroom door. Panting, shaking and screaming whilst I forced my legs to keep moving.
Oh why did I not take up my dads advice and join a gym.
When you are in such a situation as I was, when you are the one being chased by a predator as cheesy as this sounds...time does seem to slow down, your senses become sharper. Now I truly know what “eternity” means because that is exactly how long I seemed to have spent before I saw the warm light of my room, the rays danced on my tired and broken body bringing with it hope, hope of survival.
I dived towards the light, pushing the bedroom door behind me with full force.
*BANG*
Ahhh that sweet sound when wood crashes into wood. I knew I was out of harms way at last.
I did next what all men do when they know they’ve narrowly escaped certain death. I fell down on my knees and thanked god and then I changed my underwear.